Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
