So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
