haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
