I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
