I can text with my tongue
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
