I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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