I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
