I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
