I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
