dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
