I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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