so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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