final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
