Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
