Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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