i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
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