I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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