"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
