If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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