i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
