Hey man sorry I got all grabby
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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