So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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