Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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