I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
