You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
