drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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