i permit you to call me
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
