Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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