Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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