i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
