Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
