i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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