I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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