Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
