I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Your cock deserves a montage
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
