it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
