I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Holy sore nipples Batman
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
