If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
