I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
