you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
