3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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