I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
