go do what you do best...puke behind churches
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
