So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
