best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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