A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
