I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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