So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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