Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
