no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
